Goals Without Pressure - A Story of Self-Worth

 
 

As I've always been super-focused on goals and performance, I want to let you in in a little secret:

Discipline doesn't have to feel like discipline. It’s possible to effortlessly do those things that you know you should be doing.

Let me explain.

In a lot of situations, the following is true for all of us:

We know what we need to do, but we don't do what we know.

The sofa feels much more comfortable than going out for a run or walk, so we stay in. The chocolate tastes so much better than an apple so we eat the chocolate. At the end of a hard day of work, we deserve that wine, don't we?

We know what the best choice for us in those situations would be, yet we’re tempted to choose the one that doesn’t contribute to our well-being or to what is important for us.

And we could blame our brain for it.

Because of the Law Of Least Effort, we’re wired to go for the easiest course of action (old survival mechanism to conserve energy). Plus, modern life for most of us is full of (addictive) temptations that are hard to resist. So no wonder it can feel hard to stick to what we know is best for us.

But what I've learned over the last years is the following:

The more we value ourselves (the more OK we feel about ourselves), the easier it is to do what we know is good for us.

Let’s dive a bit deeper…

The one thing almost everyone is missing in successful behavior change

For years, I've developed discipline and willpower, which works.

I’ve mastered behavior change & habit creation, which have transformed my life.

Yet, just mastering these things didn’t always make the right action feel effortless, light or fun. Oftentimes, it still required lots of discipline, willpower, or a performance-driver, which often came with some form of stress, friction or tension. Plus, not doing the action led to frustration and over time to self-doubt.*

For many people, this is how “doing the right thing” feels: challenging, boring, difficult. A lot still feels like a to do. We’re not really enjoying it. And hence we still oftentimes choose to not do what we know we should be doing.

But what if we’ve been focusing on the wrong parameters? What if you could shift your attention to the one thing that will make all the rest easier, lighter, and more fun?

This crucial parameter and missing link: self-worth.

High Self-worth = effortlessly choosing what is good for you

When you tap into higher levels of self-worth, you’re stepping into a place of grounded strength, being at peace with yourself. From this state, doing the “bad” or unhealthy thing actually starts feeling unkind toward yourself, even uncomfortable.

So the higher your self-worth, the more effortless you can move through life and do what you know you need to do, coming from a place of clarity, kindness and grounded strength. Clarity about what is good and important for you. Grounded because you’re connected with that part of you that knows you are OK just the way you are (a deeper knowing). Kindness toward yourself as a result. **

The right action (the one that is best for you) will start flowing more naturally, effortlessly, out of a deeper respect for yourself.

You could say the drive or motivation is coming from your heart, not your mind.

This means less struggle, less internal fights on whether you’re going do what you know you should be doing, less frustration, and effortless behavior change.

The question you could ask yourself with these insights:

Instead of solely focusing on goals, willpower, discipline, and more action, how can you increase your self-worth so thriving in life becomes easy and fun?

How to start the inner journey of higher self-worth

Self-knowledge

A great starting point for this journey is getting to know yourself better ánd deeply understanding what is important for you so you know what you want to prioritize in your life (clarity). It’s the foundation, and not always easy to discover as other people are constantly putting their desires for us on us (since we were a little kid). But with some honest reflection, you can get a long way.

🎁 If you'd like some help with this reflection, I'm happy to offer you free access to the online masterclass The Clarity & Purpose Blueprint (use coupon code "freecourse"). If you don't want to take time watching the videos, just download the workbook and choose those exercises that resonate most with you ❤️

Focus Themes

Next to Clarity, focus words or focus themes can also help you on this self-worth journey, giving yourself a framework of clear intentions or guidelines without the potential pain of hard goals.

Below is and example of this (what I'm focusing on this year). This is in line with the clarity reflection and is simplifying it into 1 to 5 key words that you can use as an anchor for your actions and decisions.

 
 

Just reminding yourself on a daily or weekly basis if your actions and decisions are contributing to or in line with those 5 words, helps tremendously to do more of what you know is important for you, your growth, and your well-being, and in that way contributing to your self-worth.

From thinking to feeling via breathwork

The 3rd thing that has been transformational for me on this journey to build up my self-worth, has been breathwork.

It's been a wild journey in the last year. A journey of discovering and reconnecting with who I really am and with what I really want in life, while learning to embrace those parts of me that I've been hiding away in order to feel accepted by others (knowingly or unknowingly) .

This hiding away of parts of us is something we all do (often unconsciously), and this is where life starts to become more complicated and maybe harder than it needs to be. It’s where we develop patterns and masks that cover up our authentic selves. The further we move away from showing our authentic selves and expressing how we really feel, the further we move away from self-worth.

So why the heck do we do it?

We've learned that with the masks, we are more easily loved or accepted.

For example:

  • We were told not to cry or show our sadness. Man up! (For most guys).

  • We were told to not express our anger (for most women).

  • We stopped being playful all the time when life seemingly required of us to become more serious (when our parents or teachers told us so).

  • Or we stopped using our creative expression because our dad said there was not future in that.

This and several other forms of what is OK to show and what is not, is how most of us have been brought up. We’re all in that same boat. But it's good to realize that these are learned patterns, which means we can unlearn them.

A lot of these patterns however are unconscious (i.e. they live in the body), which means that working with the body instead of solely with the mind (thinking, talking) is needed if you want to unlearn them.

This is where breathwork comes in.

Breathwork helps to access and embrace those shadow sides again, helping you to feel more whole and more OK with ALL of who you are.

This is really working on self-worth in deep and profound ways.

On this journey of self-worth, no other form of therapy or inner work provides the depth and profoundness that breathwork gives.

If you're interested in exploring this, you’re welcome to check the upcoming events or more information on breathwork. And if you’re new to this work with me, you get your first session for free (this is work that needs to be experienced, not just talked about) 🎁

Subtraction

Because of the masks, the subconscious patterns, and our shadow sides, you maybe also come to see that the growth journey in its essence is more about subtraction than addition. It’s about unlearning these patterns and dropping the masks: seeing them, embracing them (embracing all parts of ourselves), and integrating them. This is a form of less, or a process of subtraction, journeying back to the essence of our being.

Through this subtraction and process of unlearning, slowly and steadily, we start showing up more authentically, which is a tremendous relief for many and the highest expression of self-worth.

🎁 Here’s a free resource for you to help you embrace the concept of subtraction: The Subtraction Reset, a guided reflection to help you reconnect with what matters most and to let go of what no longer fits.

Walking the talk

Here's me doing effortlessly what's making me feel more alive, even though I didn't feel like doing it (yet, no discipline needed)!

 
 

I hope you enjoyed this article! Feel free to let me know what you think or take away from it.

PS, if you’d like one-on-one support on this journey of self-worth and self-love, feel free to schedule a connection call here.

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Have a wonderful day!

With love,
Jan Aquarius - Live. Grow. Matter.

#becurious #becourageous #beyourbest

* We ofcourse don’t need to be successful all of the time in what we want to do. Some days are smooth, some days are challenging. We’re human beings, that’s normal. This article isn’t about telling you what’s right or wrong, or what good or bad looks like. It’s only about helping you see that working on your self-worth is at the foundation of it all, and that through it all, kindness is key. All of it is a process, which undeniably will have its ups and downs. Embrace the downs also, it’s part of being alive.

** This deeper inner work will ripple outward as well. The frustrations, the stresses, the anger that we feel because of the outside world are oftentimes the frustrations we have toward ourselves, being misaligned with our internal compass, saying yes when we mean no, or not being happy with our body, and so on. It’s oftentimes the turbulent inner world that makes us frustrated, snappy or unkind. Valuing ourselves more will automatically make us less frustrated, more calm and more joyous, which automatically will ripple outward.

 
 
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